A Mother’s Pain

I pray to God that I never have to experience the pain that Linda went through on Saturday night. I pray the same for you too. That is, if you have a child, I pray that you never know the pain of a child’s death. On Saturday evening, after a multi-year bout with depression, medications, psychiatric treatment, and paranoid schizophrenic behavior, Zachary walked outside with pistol in hand and shot himself dead. Twenty four years of life was ended with an explosion that rocked one side of the house and stunned a family who never expected such an ending. Just a few hours earlier, Zachary prayed over the family meal. It was, according to his mother, the most beautiful prayer she had ever heard. In retrospect, maybe Zachary knew that he would be at peace soon. Maybe he knew of his plans and had made his peace with God.
I learned of his death on Wednesday through glancing at the local paper I occasionally view online. I was Zachary’s pastor in a prior pastorate. He was one of three brothers, he was the middle child. His younger brother, Nathan, and I are very close. Nathan even flew out to visit last year just after I moved here. When I called on Wednesday evening after Zachary burial, Nathan was still in shock, but he was at peace. He knew that Zachary was no longer suffering. It had been a hard two plus years of seeing his brother’s mind deteriorate into such paranoia. But the comments I will remember the most are that of Linda, his mother. She said that in the midst of her grief, the most painful thing that she could imagine- but worse, she felt the presence of God with her. Giving her the strength to do what was needed, making arrangements and such. Edward, the father, is a private man and I know that is why he didn’t speak to me on the phone. I’m sure his pain is unimaginable. Linda spoke of the friends that came. “I never knew I was loved by so many” she said. She also said that she “had never truly leaned on other people before, now, when I had to, I understand now how important it is to have a church family.” I heard all this with what felt like a bowling ball in my own throat! John 14:27 speaks of God giving peace beyond anything in this world. I believe God gave that to this family. God gave that peace to Zachary before he died. And I know that God was crying with that family and He supported them in burying a son and brother. Frankly, suicide is neither glamorous nor right, yet Zachary was a very sick young man. While I will not debate the morality of the act, I have full assurance that God welcomed him into the Pearly Gates and into a place where his mind is now sound and clear of all things harmful, whether they were earthly or demonic. There will be hard days for his family, but God will see them through it. I knew Zachary when he was well and sick. There will come a day when I will know him again… now that he is better.